Beauty For Ashes

...he will give a crown of beauty for ashes. Isaiah 61:3

Burning the tallgrass prairie in NE Kansas

in the spring, which leads to new growth

the rest of the season!

My engagement was over.  And like the YouTube clip of the "Destruction of the USS Enterprise" in my last post (Coming to the End of Myself), my life felt shattered. My "destruction" wasn't visibly spectacular like the Enterprise as it blazed through the atmosphere towards Earth, but emotionally it seemed like it. I felt alone and sad. Such was my life in August 2002, and I didn't bounce back quickly either (as some of my friends know).

But God was using this situation to break several of my dysfunctional habits. Or as John Eldredge describes it in Wild at Heart, God was shattering my false self. One thing God destroyed was my belief that I was inferior. Although I felt incredibly inferior right after the breakup (I felt rejected, after all), God taught me that I was valued by him, and in Christ I was inferior to no one. Learning this was not just through an intellectual analysis of the Scriptures, although they certainly speak of our incredible value to God. My learning this was also at the heart level, through personal revelation from God (through a sort of vision). He didn't speak audibly but his communication with me was so personal and real that I now have no doubt of my worth to him. Although I sometimes still struggle with feeling inferior, I know in my deepest heart that I am not inferior but rather a child of the King of kings!

This Sunday is Easter (Resurrection) Sunday. As Christians, we believe that Jesus was literally resurrected from the dead (1). Think of it, power over death! This fills me with incredible wonder!! Because of Christ's resurrection, we know and are promised that we too will one day be resurrected (2). And if Jesus has power over death, he can certainly bring clarity and healing to the mess that we make of our lives! He can make all things new! (3) The Scriptures tell us that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! (4) And although the process won't be completed until we arrive in heaven, we don't have to wait till then for the healing and restoration to begin.

But before God can begin our restoration, our old life has to be dealt with. Watchman Nee put it this way: God sets us free from the dominion of sin, not by strengthening our old man, but by crucifying him; not by helping him do anything but by removing him from the scene (5).  Or as Paul, the former Christian slayer himself said My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me (6).

In August 2002 my life seemed to be ashes, emotionally almost without hope. But God can work good through all things to those who love him (7), and he used that tragedy to bring new life to me. I now know my worth in Jesus. And in 2007 I married a beautiful woman, and we are very happy!

Happy Easter!!

Footnotes:

Coming to the End of Myself

But you, O Sovereign LORD, deal well with me for your name’s sake;
   out of the goodness of your love, deliver me.
 For I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me.
--King David, Psalm 109:21 

Am I really a man? Have I got what it takes...when it counts?  Most men live their lives haunted by that question, or crippled by the answer they've been given.
--John Eldredge, Wild at Heart

When I was a boy I didn't get to spend as much time with my dad as I would have liked. He was a farmer and worked hard to take care of our family, often from dawn till dusk. One effect this had on me was that I started to believe I was less important to dad than the farm work or his other responsibilities (he served on supervisory boards for several organizations). Now I always knew dad loved me, there was never a question of that. But the subtle lie crept into my psyche anyway. It wasn't until many years later when I read Wild at Heart and spent time in prayer and self reflection that I realized dad's "absence" represented a wound to my young heart that carried over into adulthood, manifested as a form of diminishment, aka inferiority complex or low self esteem.

It is amazing how the wounds of our youth shape our personality in very significant ways, and how unaware we can be of it...consciously at least. Feeling inferior really hindered me from trying many things for fear of failing (for example, I didn't like...no, I hated competitive sports). To me, the answer to the question "Am I really a man?" was something like: "Well, probably...but not nearly as good as most". One classic mistake I made was to take my question to the woman. Somehow I felt that if a woman noticed me or felt that I was special, well then I must be special! One problem with that was I was so shy that most women didn't notice me. But if they did and we became friends, my sense of worth seemed to be based on what they thought of me at any given time, kind of like they were my report card. And if they decided they weren't interested anymore, I was devastated.

Although some wounds are more evident or traumatic than others, everyone has taken them (for example, my father's 'absence'). And each wound comes with a message (for me it was "I am not that important"), and from that place we take a vow (my vow was "I accept that I am inferior...it is just the way it is") and choose a way of life that is dysfunctional in order to diminish the pain (I avoided competition, withdrew from many social engagements to avoid feeling inferior to others, especially those who were the "life of the party"). Eldredge calls this way of living (or rather, surviving) the "false self". We don't live out of a center, and we often aren't aware of the root cause.

Fortunately God loves us enough to not leave us in that place if we want freedom and healing. But the process may be painful. We have to come to the end of our own efforts of "making life work" and reach out to him. I came to the end of myself about 10 years ago (more on that in a future post!). Through some of the process I felt almost like I couldn't bear the emotional pain though, almost as though I was self destructing. Eldredge in Wild at Heart calls this process the failing, or shattering of the "false self". An entertaining taste of how I felt is on the YouTube clip below (click on picture below to view, or http://youtu.be/8M7mM_iHd9I). It is a scene from Star Trek III of the destruction of the beloved USS Enterprise. To make a long story short, Captain Kirk self destructs the ship in order to save his and the lives of his officers (in Dr. McCoy's words, Kirk used death to give them a fighting chance to live). A fitting analogy.

The USS Enterprise begins to self destruct as the Klingon ship makes its
getaway. Click on image to view the video on my YouTube channel!

A brief disclaimer.

I dearly love my dad and I know he loves me. This post isn't about my dad's failures because Lord knows I wasn't the perfect parent to my beautiful daughter either. Dad did more right than he ever did wrong. I share this with you because it is a part of my journey where I suffered and God clearly rescued me, and some of you may relate to it in some way.

Click "Read more" below for a brief excerpt from Wild at Heart (John Eldredge) about the concept of the "False Self":

A Wild and Untamed God

The kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force. Matthew 11:12. 

Man’s thought is always of the punishment that will come to him if he sins. But God’s thought is always of the glory man will miss if he sins. Watchman Nee, in The Normal Christian Life.

In my last blog post I mentioned that through a series of events I came to realize that my perception of God was distorted. I had viewed him as a rigid, repressive “Cosmic Cop”, ready to thwack me at every turn if I made a mistake or misbehaved. This perception was so real that I had begun to put distance between him and me. I didn’t turn my back on him but rather participated in a church with a more “liberal” theology where God could be, at least in my mind, more like what I wanted him to be.

Then about 10 years ago I became interested in a devout Christian woman who I knew wouldn’t be compatible with attending my church. Recognizing that I had distanced myself from God, I acknowledged that to him in a prayer. I told him I wanted to move toward him again but that I was afraid to move back into repression. I simply asked God to reveal himself to me in a new way and show me more of what he is truly like. That prayer began the dramatic “series of events” through which God began to dismantle, or destroy my incorrect perception of his nature and then rebuild it in ways that are still “wowing” me to this day.

There is a warrior in every man's heart.

Within a couple of years I read the book Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. That was the beginning of God’s answer to my prayer and it totally rocked my world! Through it I learned, among other things, that the model of being a Christian man was not to be “just a really nice guy” who doesn’t smoke, drink, or swear. In Wild at Heart, Eldredge described how most Christian men in the Western church are “bored”, whose highest aspiration is to be “dutiful” and perhaps, if they are really good, to reach the lofty goal of being an elder. I had occasionally heard in church that eternity in heaven will be a “never ending church service in the sky”. In truth, that didn’t sound fun to me. Eldredge boldly stated that that view of heaven sounds more like hell than heaven to him; and I agree.

The basis of Wild at Heart is that a man’s heart yearns for a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue. And that a man’s heart yearns for these things…passion, freedom, life…because God made it that way! Eldredge uses Scripture to illustrate that the God of Christianity is wild, untamed, and passionate about our rescue and restoration.

I will conclude with a couple of thoughts.

The first is that in this post I described how God answered a sincere prayer in a very personal and powerful way. I challenge you to ask God to reveal himself, his true nature to you. Then watch for his answer.

Second, God usually has to tear down some of the dysfunctional beliefs and habits we have built up around our lives before he can bring new life and restoration. Some of that may be painful, but I can attest that it is definitely worth it in the end. If any of you have seen the Narnia movie or read the book The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (by C.S. Lewis), it is like when Aslan the lion tore the scales and skin off Edmund, who had been turned into a dragon because of his waywardness, to restore his humanity. As Edmund described it: “It hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt…but it was fun to see it coming away…then [Aslan] threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone…and then I saw why. I’d turned into a boy again.” God can bring beauty from ashes. He does it all the time.

Pursuit of Happiness: Through Travel

Me looking out over the Gulf of
Mexico at age 17. My sister Diane
loves this picture...she knows her
brother is a deep thinker (1977).

I love to travel.

When I was a kid, we took summer family vacations to places like Yellowstone Park, the Colorado mountains, and the badlands and black hills of South Dakota. There was something thrilling about it. I was constantly amazed by the new sights, sounds, and the interesting people we met. My imagination would run wild pondering what life would be like to live in such places, to be able to explore all the beautiful places that must be hidden beyond each horizon!

When I was 19, I made my first "international" trip to Mexico. I was with my uncle and two cousins and we traveled in an old black, 1960 Cadillac. I could tell some interesting stories about that trip but the point is that it really opened up my world in new and exciting ways. It was the first time I was in a situation where I was in the minority...i.e., I couldn't speak the native language and other people looked at us like the strange ones. It motivated me to start learning Spanish, although it didn't last too long. In central Nebraska in the late 1970's there wasn't anybody to practice speaking Spanish with. There was an ache somewhere inside me, an emptiness that I thought could be filled if only I could travel more and experience this thrill more often.

Me in western Montana/Northern Idaho in 1983 after 3 months
of working on a cattle ranch (and not shaving or getting a haircut).

During my college years I went on a student exchange program to the University of Idaho in Moscow, Idaho. It is beautiful around Moscow and nearby Pullman, Washington. I enjoyed exploring the nooks and crannies of the countryside during my time there. But what I remember most about that time was being very lonely. I had a lot of friends there, but there was still an emptiness that I couldn't really define but knew was very real. Part of it was that I thought I would be happier if I had a girlfriend to enjoy the experiences with (I was pretty shy). But that is a different story for a different post.

My daily work on a cattle ranch near Harrison, Montana,
against a spectacular backdrop of the Tobbacco Root Mtns (1983)

At the end of the first semester of my exchange program to the Univ. of Idaho, I decided to take a semester off and headed for Montana to work on a cattle ranch. It was something I always wanted to do and somewhere inside I thought I could find fulfillment and happiness by going on this adventure. January isn't a good time to find work on a cattle ranch in Montana, but miraculously I did find one right away (that is also a cool story for another time). I lived about six miles from the base of the Tobacco Root mountains just west of Harrison, Montana (near Bozeman). I worked on the ranch against a backdrop of spectacular scenery. The loneliness, or ache in my heart only increased though. This was lonely country with few people around. I worked there for about three months and headed back to Nebraska to work on a wildlife refuge for the summer before continuing college.

Chicako (Japan), me (center), and Hans (Germany) on top of

Ayers Rock in the Outback of Australia (1986).

After I graduated from college I strapped on a backpack and headed for New Zealand and Australia for about six weeks. There are some beautiful and interesting places in the "Land Down Under". I saw the Australian Outback, the Great Barrier Reef, Sydney and Melbourne, and the Great Ocean Road to name a few places. I loved the Australian accent and the sense of humor that the Aussies and Kiwis had. I traveled with other travelers from Europe and other parts of the world. It was exciting. But at the same time, the ache inside of me didn't go away. There was still an emptiness there that I couldn't really define. I carried my Bible with me and believed in God, but somehow it wasn't filling me with the peace I thought it should have. On one occasion while staying at a Youth Hostel I became aware of a man from California who was psychologically a mess. Apparently he was struggling desperately to find any meaning in life and wasn't finding much hope. At the time I was traveling with a man from England, named Ian Butcher. We had bantered back and forth about faith and Christianity in the preceding days, and after we saw this man Ian told me that I now had an opportunity to share my faith. But I didn't do it. I was afraid to, perhaps because I didn't feel the peace myself. I have thought of that man over the years and have prayed for him.

Me in the Austrian Alps in 1989.

By now you can see there is a theme going here, namely searching for happiness and peace through travel but never finding it. And I was always a slow learner. I would go on to travel in Europe and many other places around the United States but the story was the same. I loved the stimulation of travel but it didn't fill the emptiness inside.

It is different now. Through a series of events in my life (described in the next few posts: A Wild and Untamed God; Coming to the End of Myself; & Beauty for Ashes), I became aware that my perception of God was distorted. I subconsciously was viewing him as a harsh, rigid God. A sort of "Cosmic Cop" who was judging my every action and condemning me for constantly falling short. How could I ever find any kind of peace and fulfillment with a God like that? I have described how I now view God in other posts (which I deeply believe and have experienced as more accurate; for examples see Restoration, Not Religion, and my reviews of the book Beautiful Outlaw after reading the first chapter and again after I had read the entire book!). Now when I travel (which I still love to do),  I experience the thrills and joys WITH God. As I see new sights and sounds and meet new people, I praise him for his marvelous creation and his creativity, and for letting me share in it! Now finally the ache, the emptiness inside me has been filled...with an intimacy with the God who created me and who created all the world! Travel didn't fill it, nor could it ever have filled it.

Me enjoying coffee at Renaca Beach, along the coast of Chile (2009).

I still love to travel. But instead of searching for happiness through travel, I can enjoy travel more because the ache and emptiness that had been inside me has been filled by God!

The earth is the LORD’s and the fullness thereof, the world and those who dwell therein (Psalms 24:1).

You Bear God's Image!

"Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness..."   Genesis 1:26

God had you in mind before he created the world (1). He made you in his image! (2) A perfect, beautiful being with unique talents and a bestowed glory all of your own. To be enjoyed by God and others, and to enjoy God and others around you. Unfortunately it didn't stay that way (3). Christianity teaches that you have an enemy bent on your destruction (4, 4a). An enemy who was a murderer and a liar from the beginning...indeed the father of lies (5). And you, along with everybody else, have listened to his lies and are broken. The world became broken...just take a look around! As a broken person, you (and I) continue to believe the enemy's lies about so many things. Some of those lies are about who you are as a person. That the truest part of you is that you fall short, or are ugly, worthless, rejected, depressed, stupid...fill in the blank. Maybe you think you are okay overall, but unless you are delusionally arrogant (in which case you are probably a shallow person with few if any real friends), you have to know there are some things about you that are not as they should be. The truth is, the reason the lies hurt so bad is because there may be a grain of truth in them, or at least you have received wounds somewhere in your life that makes the lies seem believable.

Brooke Davis, from the series One Tree Hill

But God remembers who he had in mind when he created you. He sent Jesus to set things right again (6). To give you 'heart' surgery. To remove your old, broken heart and replace it with a good and noble one (7). To replace your broken image with a brand new one (actually, the restoration of your original image before it was marred). And to take away the lies you have believed about your identity and give you a brand new name (8, 9). The old is gone, the new has come! (10) He doesn't force it on you. You are free to take up his offer of restoration or to reject it. But it is available to all who ask (11).

If you take up his offer, will you still struggle with brokenness? William Gurnall said It is the image of God reflected in you that so enrages hell; it is this at which the demons hurl their mightiest weapons.So yes, there will still be battles. We are in the midst of an epic battle for and against the restoration of many other lives before the enemy must be destroyed (4). But the good news is that this enemy was defeated at the Cross and one day will be completely destroyed (12, 13). His defeat cost Jesus his life, but death could not hold Jesus (14) (more about that on Easter). And death will not hold us either (15, 16).

There is mystery in this. But there is also adventure and joy. Do you want to know who you are, your true identity? Invite God into your life and start the journey to discovery if you haven't already (Prayer to Receive Jesus as Savior)!

By the way, if you haven't had a chance to watch the video on my last post, please take the time to view it. It will give you a clue about who you are in God's eyes. I also posted another 1 minute clip about the artist of that song, who though he sings beautifully has a speech impediment. You will be blessed by watching!
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Footnotes:

Remind Me Who I Am

This song by Jason Gray says a lot in three minutes of what I have tried to express in this blog. Watch it all the way to the end though!
If the link above isn't active, follow this one:
http://youtu.be/QSIVjjY8Ou8
(Remind Me Who I Am, by Jason Gray, This is the Official Music Video).

This is amazing. Jason sings so beautifully, though he struggles with a speech impediment. Listen to him talk briefly about it below:

The Stakes are High

I’m glad at the way it came out, but at the conversion moment, what I heard was God saying, “Put down your gun and we’ll talk.” C.S. Lewis.

There are many worldviews about life, death, and what happens to us thereafter. Whether by choice or default, you and I believe something that frames how we view the world and live our lives. If you are one who doesn’t want to resort to default, then how do you go about investigating the truth of the claims of the various worldviews? With such a multitude (Christianity and other religions, atheism, etc.), it can be quite confusing and overwhelming. And although nothing can force you to inwardly believe one way or another, the consequences are staggering. At the very least they may last a lifetime and at the most they could last for eternity, which is a very long time.

Caravaggio - The Incredulity of St. Thomas

My worldview should be evident from my blog, namely that I am a follower of Jesus (1). In my last post, both my wife and I commented about events in our lives that have confirmed to us the reality of God’s working in our lives. However, I know that until you experience it yourself it is difficult to accept as true. Even Jesus’ own disciple (Thomas) refused to believe the other disciples when they told him that Jesus had physically appeared to them after his resurrection. Thomas told them that he would not believe unless he saw and put his fingers in the holes in Jesus’ hands and side (from his crucifixion). Remarkably, Jesus did appear to Thomas eight days later and told him to examine his hands and side…and to believe. Thomas replied “My Lord and my God! (2)

I say remarkably for a reason, because I am going to propose a bold challenge to you. If you want to know whether God is real, you don’t have to take my word for it. Ask him to reveal himself to you. In his book "Walking with God, John Eldredge writes "In the beginning of our story...in the garden called Eden...the first man and woman...communicated with [God] directly. For this we were made. And this we must recover. Intimacy with God is the purpose of our lives. It's why God created us...not simply to believe in and obey him...though those are necessary too"

Now just a bit of clarification, Jesus has never appeared to me physically like he did to Thomas. But he has revealed himself to me (see my last post for specific examples, in the comments below the post). He has done so to countless others too (3).

I offer just a few of thoughts to consider along with that challenge. If you decide to ask him, ask with earnestness. Be open to the possibility that he exists, watch for his response (he usually does so in a whisper rather than loudly), and be patient. I don’t know how he will reveal himself to you but I have no doubt that he will.

Also, be aware that we live in an age of cynicism, which makes expecting Jesus to reveal himself to you or even believing in him challenging. This is because of thinking that has crept into our culture from the Enlightenment that has relegated God and prayer, along with things like beauty and love, to the realm of “feelings”, as opposed to the realm of “facts”.  According to this line of thinking, facts are those things that are public and real - true for everyone (e.g., science, physical objects, history), while feelings are things that are only true for me and thus, should be kept private. Therefore, God has been defined as not real and accordingly should be eliminated from public discussion and not taken seriously. This is secular humanism, by the way, which is a religion in itself as I have discussed in previous posts (e.g., The Decline of the Secular University, Science and Christianity, What is Truth?, Do I Really Matter?).

I will acknowledge that oppressive legalism has unfortunately plagued the contemporary institutional church. I believe legalism is why so many are turned off by the "church". Legalism, however, is a religious fog that veils the striking beauty of the Gospel of Jesus, both to people already inside as well as to those who are outside the church. This does not make untrue the freedom, healing, love, peace, etc., that are available from God. One just has to be aware of the putrid existence of legalism.

There was a man named Saul who hated Christians to the point that he murderously persecuted them in an attempt to snuff them out. In a stunning change of heart, Saul became one of history’s greatest advocates for Jesus Christ and his church (4). You may recognize Saul as Paul, who wrote more than half of the New Testament. Paul, by the way, used his harshest words against the legalists of his day. He said that what they offered was “dog dung” compared to the life offered by Jesus! (5) To those of you who don’t believe that God exists and therefore, believe the sacrifices asked of us by Christianity are a waste of precious life, you may be surprised that Paul agrees with you to a point. Paul said: “If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men” (6). However, and this is crucial, Paul went on to boldly proclaim:  “But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead” (7). He knew, because Jesus had revealed himself to Paul on the road to Damascus! Later, Paul reaffirmed this belief in a trial before King Agrippa and Governor Festus, when Paul said: “…Christ would suffer and, as the first to rise from the dead, would proclaim light to his own people and to the Gentiles.” At this point Festus interrupted Paul’s defense. “You are out of your mind, Paul!” he shouted. “Your great learning is driving you insane.” “I am not insane, most excellent Festus,” Paul replied. “What I am saying is true…” (8).

Christianity is a radical worldview, but would you want to believe in anything less? It is a worldview that has been embraced by millions. It isn’t “insane” like Festus accused Paul of.

I urge you to investigate these claims seriously. Put them to the test before dismissing them. The stakes are too high not to try. Jesus is real!

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Footnotes: